Dating is complicated. Grief is complicated. Swirl those together and things can get pretty messy. That said, we receive lots of questions in our email asking questions related to new relationships after experiencing loss and, over time, we hope to have articles addressing all these concerns. However, after receiving emails over the years, we have realized that navigating the world of dating a widow er is more complicated than it seems.
This has been hard. He asks his Mom to stop, but we get texts and calls from his friends saying she was talking about me and was worried I was taking his money she lives across the country thank goodness. Its just been such an uphill battle. On top of all that I am noticing things at the house that still have his late wife name and pics around. Every time I walk through the front door I see a welcome sign that has their last name and first name above the entry outside.
Plus her large memorial picture still hangs in the garage. I am having a difficult time feeling like this place is ours because of that. All of her decorations are still up, the kitchen is still filled with the things she picked out.
Its been hard not feeling like I live in the shadow of a dead woman. I feel like a jerk if I were to take them down, or ask him to. Its all so new to me, and has been such an uphill battle, but I truly love him and want us to have an amazing life together.
His wife of 40 years past away only weeks before we met. But we are making this work because when we are together it feels right.
Yes, her photos are up. Yes, he talks about her a lot. Yes, he occasionally shows signs of depression and is overcome with tears of grief. But he will in time learn to live with her passing and make room I. His heart for me. He is a sensitive soul. Going it alone is not in his nature. He needs someone and if not me it would be someone else, maybe someone not so understanding or who is does not feel threatened by his past.
He is healing and learning to grieve in a healthy way no drink, no drugs, no hiding his head in the sand. I was widowed almost a year ago- at 30 years old- when my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. My husband was my first love. We were married for 10 years and have two kids. Recently a sweet guy started dating me. I told him I was not ready to commit but he was persistent that he was willing to wait.
I cried so much because he had been keeping me company and calling me when I felt alone and I missed the feeling of having someone there for me, listening to me, and assuring me he loved me. A day later I unblocked him because I felt like he deserved more explanation and a chance to express how he feels. Then he convinced me to give love a chance and to stop thinking so much. He told me to stop thinking love is so complicated. I tried to give love a chance. One day later I cut off all contact again.
This time I am not going back because in this experience I realized that I am definitely not ready to love. I want the companionship but not the feeling that I have to try to convert my mind over to loving someone so different than my husband. Using my heart and trying to love someone right now is like driving a car with no air in the tires.
I lost myself when I lost my husband and I am still trying to learn to love me. Hi I also lost my husband when I had just turned 32 after 10 years of marriage and two children. My husband honestly could not of hand picked someone better for me. The feelings of guilt and worry and thought of going through that again over shadows the joy quite often. I wish you all the beat on your journey, it truly takes a toll on the heart, soul and mind.
Thank you for writing this article and providing an opportunity for discussion in the comments section. I firmly believe every relationship requires investment from both parties.
One thing I learned from my hardest thing ever, is that there is no right way to do anything. There is only the way that feels best and sometimes that is super difficult to determine.
In terms of a relationship after being widowed, our plan is to continue to work with our therapists individually, eventually work with them together and along the way, read articles like this and discuss them together. After reading the questions and comments all interring some offensive. Is it any wonder why widows try to date widowers? Think if it like this? Can you erase halfyour life or more?
Please be sensible. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have a daughter together and he is a stepdad to my 2 children from a previous marriage. My kids accepted him. His past relationship was with his best friend and he shared in raising her 2kids. They had not been in relationship in 10years other than friends. They lived together. She past away during a time where he was unable to be there. The kis moved far away.
He kept in close contact with them. They were family he raised then from the age of 18mo and 3years old. I have more empathy than anyone should have so know i would never replace their mom. They always ask how life is treating us and he never mentions me or our life together. I think life would be so much better if open communication and acceptance was there i have so much love and respect for his past life so much that it kills me dailey.
I broke a promise to my grandfather that i made him the night before he died. It was if i ever had a girl to give her my grandmas name. Their mom had the same name so i had to out of respect for them break a promise to the man i loved more than life my poppop. I am dating a widow. We are both 52 now. We met 5 years ago, 2 years after her husband died. They had a daughter, 16, and a son, 14 at the time of his death. I have 2 sons ages 30 and I am the only person she has dated since her husband died.
We have a long distance 50 miles relationship. It began with emails for the first 3 months. Then we got together for the first time we knew each other in high school and hit it off. At the time we started our relationship, she was still struggling to find happy moments in her days but she is very strong and took care of her kids and the new jobs she had to take care of around the house for the first time.
She said that during those first two years she just felt normal at work where she had her job to do. She started having happy moments. We hit it off and things went very well. I heard from many of the family members that they were happy to see her smiling and happy again.
They are all very accepting of me as well. Things were going very well. We saw each other often. We had not made detailed plans for our future, but we both expected that our future was together. These things changed a few months ago. The calls she would make the calls, I had the morning text and communication were starting to lessenby quite a bit. When we got together, I said I needed to talk to her and she said that we really needed to.
She explained that she started having those same feelings she was having before we starting getting to know each other. She is filled with grief for her husband. The kids are now in college or graduated from college.
She is really struggling with grief right now and she is pulling away from me. A few weeks ago, we talked and agreed the expected calls, communications, etc. She needed space from me. We still talk occasionally and see each other a little bit, but I am really struggling and want to do the right thing. She used to know that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and now she just thinks the future is an unknown.
I am struggling with how to move forward. I wonder if it is best for me to give her space no communication as that will allow the grieving process to move forward, or if I should be there at the random times she reaches out.
I love these moments, but I feel like they are random moments of happiness surrounded by emptiness and stress. Perhaps I am looking for words of wisdom or maybe I just needed to pour out my thoughts. When I wrote about the things that her husband is missing and she is missing the chance to share, it makes her feelings seem so much easier to understand. Hi, Frank. I never hear from her anymore and sometimes I wonder if I was just being used.
It hurts like hell not having her in my life like I once did. I think these are the chances one takes when dating a widow.
Their lives are so complicated. Even if they are ready to move on, their lives may not be.
For me, I try to focus on making myself better, going out with others even if I still miss herand dropping her a line every now and then to make her laugh and know she is cared about. Thanks for sharing your story. Hi Frank. I am a widow myself and am struggling to move on. One minute I want to be with my new boyfriend but next minute I want to be alone. I would say give her time be patient with her, grieving is the most complex phenomenon no one can ever begin to define.
It comes in different shapes and colors everyday. I am in that situation as a 3 year old widow. Be patient with her if you really love her. I have been dating a widower for two and a half years. He has been widowed for 7.
He has met everybody in my family, has been invited to every family function, etc. I have never met anyone in his family.
He has one grown daughter33, who only wants her dad to be with his deceased wife, or so he tells me. I am baffled and extremely hurt by all of this. Any thoughts.? Oh and nothing has been touched since his wife died 7 years ago. All her belongings are still on her dresser, clothes still hanging in the closet, clothes in her drawers, shoes, pocketbooks, you name it. Hi Peggy Did you get any answers? My boyfriend is a widower of 8 years. He had a girlfriend of 4 years, then one for 1 year and me for one year now.
And I think dating in the gaps. He has 2 adult married sons, one is a consultant. The one son and wife live 2 roads away, the other in 30 miles away but comes up to work near my bf town, plus wife works close by.
The house has not been changed since her death. Nothing at all. I had to ask him to remove her personal effects including hair decorations and handbags and pictures of them together off the dressing table as I felt I was waiting for her to walk in the bedroom when we were in bed.
I got the answers you got. They tolerate me and when he had other girlfriends but ate not overly welcoming. They have their own homes but want mums night with him every single week. I find it extremely hard. I do t care about the villages if photos of her throughout the entire house, or the stuff they accrued in their life but the Wednesday exclusion is very hard for me.
This Wednesday vigil, plus the museum plus screensaver on his monitor is of her just feels too much. He deleted WhatsApp messages he sent her. I feel bad for him as I finished with him now. I feel torn. I am a divorcee of a marriage of 29 years. I met a beautiful woman over a year ago and we have been committed to each other, however, our relationship has been rocky. First, my SO is a widow. She was married to him a short time 2 years before he met an untimely death in a vehicle accident over 5 years ago.
She insists she was ready to move on when we started dating. I continued seeing her because I figured I would gain a friend, and we would be friends to help each other in our journey. So, in time the rings came off, and due to a home renovation project the pictures are down for now. Whether they get resurrected at a later date I am not sure at this time. I love this woman more than anything, and she tells me the same. But, we have a rocky relationship now. I have tried to embrace her past, understanding and being empathetic to her plight, and, comforting her when she is down.
But, it is causing me distress as it seems there is still many parts of her CURRENT life that I am being omitted from, and, not being allowed to enter. At times we are happy and friends and family thing we are a couple. However if I am not around, you might think she is married and has a relationship with her deceased husband. I am trying, trying to work with this scenario but I am having sleepless nights now.
If she is not ready why does she say she is? And, am I being selfish? Any and all input would be appreciated. Thank You. Hi, Ron. A few thoughts, since you asked for feedback. Many people wear wedding rings for a long period. The reasons vary. Though she was married to him a short time, she may have experienced traumatic grief due to the sudden loss.
She may have been reluctant or unable to make changes for awhile. Maybe your HVAC works better! Social media means different things to different people. Maybe her pages are only to promote her business or keep up with distant cousins. But does he make as much money? I see that this is a very old blog but still, I am in need of some direction and you all seem very well versed in this specific situation.
So, I am a divorcee x 2 both times it was due to infidelity on their parts, the first time we had been together for 17 years and a wonderful marriage and 2 beautiful children and the 2nd lasted only 3 hellish years, thankfully God did NOT allow children to be created. So I have been single for the past 5 years and have always felt like one of my purposes in life is to be a Wife, even though I was robbed from it twice, I still believe Love exists and am ready for it.
Yes, you guessed it, I have met a Widower and he has stolen my heart. So, only 2 months after her death, he and I met. He has had many ups and down for the past 6 months but all-in-all we have gotten through them all. I am irrevocably in love with this man, he is everything I have prayed for in a mate.
He loves God more than anything and desires to serve him with his whole heart, as do I. We have many many things in common but there are a few things that cause me concern and I am asking for a little direction from those of you that may have some answers to help me.
Am I being foolish, or is this something that is normal behavior? Could someone please help! Thanks, and God Bless- Tricia. Oh Tricia, slow downno need to rush into anything. God bless. Hi, Tricia. I would mean such as a compliment but would likely trip over my tongue saying it. The good news is You can certainly revisit that.
Can you tell me more about what you meant. Lots of us experience those left in our lives never mentioning our departed and never saying their name. Did you and Zelda plant those together or were you always the chief gardener here? Once in a while you might reference your first husband if only in a story about your kids, right? In addition it might help him to talk to a counselor or visit a grief support group. Or, there are some great articles on this site that you might suggest to him.
What a powerful thing that is in a name. I will use your advice in my relationship with a widower. When my boyfriend calls me by my name it still surprises me. Further hindering this process is the sheer fact he may go round and round in circles for years.
Some take it to the grave. That said, it by no means indicates his love or feelings for you. Having been there myself, in my opinion, the best thing you can do at this point is: 1.
Try to lose all your expectations of him. To be frank, you will never understand his state of mind. Besides, until you know what you are truly dealing with here, you could be ruining the best thing that ever happened to both of you. For the first 2 years my heart ached every minute of every day.
To a slightly lesser degree, my heart continued to ache for the next 2 years and still does at more random times for random periods. There have been times when I have resigned myself to the fact that the day he died my heart went with him. Then one day I met up with an old work colleague I had not spoken to in 18mths. He told me he lost his 41yo wife 3mths earlier to cancer just one year after diagnosis. I was shocked.
I immediately felt his pain. Then just like that, he asked me out. I was quite shocked, but accepted anyway, I think mainly because we understood each other. However, I soon realised how different his grief was from mine. At one point I had to slap myself for being a bit judgemental about the time he had spent grieving.
One of the biggest challenges that come with dating a widower is comparing yourself to the late wife. This isn't easy especially when the deceased are often held up as angels and saints. In this video, relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses some tips and tricks that can help you focus on what makes you unique and wonderful. I loved reading all your information on dating a widower. I have been dating a widower for 14 months now and love him very much. His wife died of cancer 3 yrs ago in June he adored her for 30 yrs they have 2 grown up kids. He is closer with her family than his own today. His house is a shrine to her. Blog at saporiviafrancigena.com Life as a Widower Blog at saporiviafrancigena.com Post to. Cancel.
The point here is, grief IS different for everyone. Had this man come into my life say 4. Mainly because we could have given each other valuable support and a reason to move on. That way you will be in a far better position to understand and support him with effective strategies and guidance to move on. You need to give him is a reason to move on. We can stay here for years. The only way I can explain what happens is, the day our spouse died, we did not accept this as final.
Somehow, we end up continuing our relationship with a dead person into the future, almost the same as if they were still alive today. If he does end up taking his previous relationship with him into the future, it is impossible to determine when he will come out of this state of mindif he ever does.
Contrary to what he may or may not think, he definitely needs someone in his life. I believe, if caught earlyish, with the right approach and strategies, having a person there who you can be needy with when you need it, significantly helps people through their grieving process. Further, having a person you have a calm, intimate relationship with, is another level again.
Sometimes we just need an unconditional hug. Sometimes we just need to fall asleep lying next to and touching the person we care for in the present. Not only does it help take away the pain in our heart, but it helps us realise there is life without the person who died. We have permission to enjoy the rest of our life. But most of all we allow ourselves to move in to the next relationship. Both well written and for those who like Harry Potter, both good books.
Probably not. Nor should you be. Because this does not necessarily mean he likes that book better. It simply means he liked the way Ron drove the flying carno different to the things you love and remember from your previous relationships. ALL relationships are different. Your relationship with this man is neither better nor worse to him right now.
Zann. Evan is absolutely right. Speaking from experience in loving 2 different widowers, the death of a spouse is huge. So huge that in my opinion, at least a year would seem the minimum for a widower to become comfortable enough in his own skin where he could be a whole partner. Dating A Widower Who 'Almost' Loves You 02/14/ am ET ated Dec 06, On occasions when he makes no mention of his late wife, you and your widower have a great time saporiviafrancigena.com: Sienna Jae Fein. Apr 11, I have been dating a widower for just over a year, and recently my kids and I moved into his home. His late wife passed away 3 months before we turned our work friendship into something more, she had been sick for over a year and he said his grieving had started when she was diagnosed with cancer years ago.
If you can help him do this, you will probably have his heart. It may be a long road. It may not. It works miracles. I hope this helps. All the best x. I have been dating a wonderful man who is a widower for two years. He was married for 35 years. He will always be married to his late wife, and I need a chance to find someone who will see me as the love of his life.
I am dating a widower and he expresses a lot of love for me and talks about spending the rest of our lives together. I am love him. He is truly wonderful. I respect that he will always be married to his late wife, will have pictures of her in his home, and expects to see her again after death.
I had a long and very difficult marriage that ended in divorce. My lovely wife died 6 months ago leaving me with 3 kids aged 14, 11, and 5 years. My grieis so much. She died of breast cancer that took evrything we worked for before she died. Sometimes life can be so mischivious. Is it possible to find a widow to marry who can assist me with the training of the children? They have become good friends, but none can replace the precious lost love of my life.
My heart remains empty. I was in love with my husband from the time I was seventeen. More importantly, I met my best friend and soul mate when I was seventeen. But there were all kinds of complications and issues.
His first wife died when I was twenty, which I was sad to hear because I had been fond of her. He was devastated, and his knee jerk reaction to his loss was to start dating me six weeks later.
He was older than I was, but that was never an issue. Things were really great, I thought. I knew it was way too soon for him to be thinking that way, and the thought of taking on his three kids so soon after they had lost there mother seemed like a really bad idea - especially since his oldest daughter is only four years younger than me!
So I did the right thing and we stopped dating, but we stayed best friends and stayed close. But he was married. We actually worked together for several years and then when I was twenty-five I was married to an old boyfriend. Of course, three months after I got married he filed for divorce.
Shortly after my divorce was final Tom and I were finally married in late Our son was born in and things were really wonderful. At least until just after my older son graduated from high school in He had an incredibly invasive surgery to remove a kidney and clean out as much of the cancer as they could, then he went through a full round of chemotherapy.
Things seemed good for awhile. But then the cancer came back. He went through chemo again, then went through the collection of his stem cells to attempt a stem cell transplant. Once that was all set to go, he became an inpatient so they could do the extremely high dose chemo to kill everything in his body before they could reintroduce his stem cells.
But something went horribly wrong. His body could not handle the high dose chemo and his organs began to fail. He had to be placed on a ventilator and then had to be sedated. After several heartbreaking weeks in the ICU, I had to make the decision to let him go. He died two weeks after our son turned thirteen, passing away nine days before Christmas. So we were married for fifteen years, but we had been best friends for almost thirty years. So, married fifteen years and now a widow for fifteen years.
I would absolutely like to believe I could still have a close, loving relationship with another person. But in fifteen years I have had two spectacularly awful dates, both from online matches.
Apparently the world of online dating is pretty darn weird, unless you get lucky and find that one human being that must be out there somewhere. I am retired, I am not a church goer, I am not a bar person, and I am now sixty-four years old. How on earth am I supposed to meet a nice, single, straight man anywhere approaching my age?
Is it back to the online dating sites? It seems like you can exchange one or two nice e-mails that way, but then things start to get strange. So I have no difficulty dealing with the pitfalls of dating a widower - I have already fine-tuned that skill before. But where, how do I even find a good man who is willing to take a shot with a perfectly good albeit lonely woman?
When my wife of 47 years died, I realized that I did not fully understand the grief of losing a spouse. I am fortunate to have remarried. Dating again was scary. I never used an online dating program. I only considered someone that I already knew from my social network. Over a year after my wife died, I asked out a widow whose husband had died 18 months before my late wife. I did not know her late husband.
She had met my late wife once. We understand that love is not finite. We can love more than one person. I had six grandchildren before remarrying. I love her like my other grandchildren. We openly talk about our late spouses frequently, which allows us to discuss events from our entire life, not just the months or years in the new relationship.
I continue to love my late wife and as well as my present wife. We were very clear from the beginning of our relationship that we were not replacing the previous spouse. I would be guess that you also remarried a woman who is at least 10 years younger than you are! I have watched that happen so many times. My own father remarried a woman 10 years younger than himself. She was my mother.
I have watched and decided that this is what most widowed men choose to do! In our culture, it is much easier for a man to remarry than for a woman to remarry. The man has a much wider field to choose from.
One reason is there are so many more widows than widowers left alone. Another reason is that men are typically the aggressor who pursues. Most women are not comfortable in being the one to start the relationship. We wait for the men to ask us.
You had the freedom to decide when, where, and who to ask. Most women would rather be pursued than be the pursuer! But, now as a widow it is not a fun or hopeful game at the age of I, too, had a wonderful and happy married life for over 40 years.
She has expressed herself and now it is up to this guys to decide if he can give her what she is looking for. A point many women should make note of. Keep up the great work! This is Karen with an ate. He did respond to my request for Saturday night dates which was good, but he still was not ready for dating more than once a week. I told him that I thought we should take a break and that I should start dating other guys. He is a good man and I am a good woman.
I believe that if we are meant to be together in the future, then he will call me. If not, then I did the right thing by ending the relationship now, at the point where my needs were not getting met in a reasonable time frame.
The 2 Biggest Mistakes Women Make When Dating a Widower (Part 1)
Hope this helps someone else out there who might be going through something similar. I am keeping the faith that I will have the love of my life whomever he might bein my life soon. Thanks Evan for your advice and to everyone else who has posted or will post. Well said! You did the right thing, and left on good terms with the door open if he chooses to pursue.
What a great attitude! It will serve you well in your next relationship. I was in your shoes not long ago. Five months of waiting patiently.
We are in a very similar situation. I have met a widower who nearly tickled all my fancy for a good partner. We maybe have met the right person, but at a wrong timing! It was just a pity. But time is the essence of life, there is nothing we can do at this stage, leave it to the hands of time. So how is life with you these days? Me again. I just want to clarify a couple things for the record. He was not married for 30 years as Evan assumed. It was either 8 or 9 yrs. She was sick for the last 3 years of it.
I respect him for that. His dating experience of taking things slow, etc. I just think the timing was off. I have far more value than to only serve that purpose. I want to be in a relationship in which the man is excited about being with me and actively pursuing me because he is ready to love again. I insisted he needed more time and experience dating more women. The difficulty for me is that it is extremely important to me to be with someone who values me enough to make that kind of significant commitment.
Personally, I think this is a silly and expensive way to grieve. She has none of the respect a wife or romantic partner usually gets. I am troubled that women agree to thisyou have to wonder, what kind of person either proposes or agrees to such a fraught and inauthentic arrangement? As for the widowers, it is amazing how quickly they forget that they were oh so grateful for the team of sibs, inlaws, kids etc.
It destroys that team concept and pushes others to process loss at a rate they simply are not comfortable with. And come to some kind of workable compromise. That is what adults do. But I also think you have to be aware of two things: 1. Beware the rebound, for sure. It can cost you not only the new love interest, but your entire family support system as well.
His first wife did too. So does the second wife. I really feel for anyone who has lost a spouse. But i just dont think its fair to others who have not experienced love at all, to be strung long, thinking their partener loves them as they should do, when really deep down, they wish they were with another woman.
Then they can both be eachothers second love. Then, they are not obligated to love eachother more than anyone they have ever loved ie their first spouse etc. A widower would accept this from a widow and vice versa. A single woman, who has never married or been in love should not have to accept this. Widowers use their second wife. Then he met my aunt who is very passionate in her relationships, and he was actually in awe to be loved in such a way, as he had never experienced that.
My aunt opened a door for him to express his desires freely and passionately, and SHE was the love of his life. Only as friends. So I need to get out there and make some friendships. BOy am I glad to read thsi!!!! Hey says he hates mourning. This guy is a real catch. Not everyone is the same. I married a widower.
But I would like to dig just a little deeper than I did with my initial writing. And I want to thank and honor you all for sharing so thoughtfully and honestly. In fact, just writing that makes me feel like throwing up. I dated several widowers in my single decades and had an extended relationship with one. Some have remained in great relationships with them like Karen above.
Most have not, because of the very issues you have raised. You seeif you know my work you know that its foundation is based on helping women embrace that their own happiness must be their first priority. When they are happy, their man is happy.
Meaning a relationship with HER. It is to This Man - the one who knows how to love and is ready to do it again - that I advise a woman to extend kindness, patience, and empathy. I admit that as a coach who teaches women to date like a grownup, I assumed that it would be taken for granted that it is never okay to stick around and accept bad behavior or be treated like a doormat.
Yah, I know about the assume thing. I apparently could have supplied clearer qualifiers to better express my position. Again, I truly DO love and appreciate hearing from you. What you share here is meaningful to me and also helps inform the thousands of women who are reading these posts.
So, keep bringing it on. But please, can you not write me that you disagree with my percentage allocation and stupid stuff like that? At the time of this writing, there are over comments on this article, many of which contain even more of my detailed advice. If you would like more personalized support you can learn about my private coaching here. His first wife died 23 years ago at 29 years old. No kids. Second wife ugly divorce. He has cried over her early in our relationship and wants me to care about her too.
Now I find out that she actually was trying to get a divorce and her family did not like him and the funeral was very divided. There is so much more. I think he feels guilt or lives in a fantasy that they were still in love. Thank you so much for your article and all the attached comments.
They have given me great advice and reassurance since meeting my partner. We met only 3 months after his wife died. We are together now almost 2 years. It has been what I can only describe as a rollercoaster but worth every minute.
I listened, hugged, laughed, cried, he gave love all the time, he backed off and withdrew into himself sometimes. He felt guilty, angry and heartbroken but also happy, loved and progressive. He loves life and lives life. He never compares me to his beloved first wife.
He talks about her still although not as frequently. I have had to find patience that I never thought I had and allow him to find his way through his grief. I stood by him all the way because even through his deepest grieving he always showed he had love for me. He just needed to allow himself the happiness again.
Thank you again. Hi Pat. It sounds like the experience you are having with this man is what often happens in real life when two grownups love each other. So many of us still look for some storybook romance with only butterflies and rainbows and happy times. But as we get older life gets freaking complicated! And you, my friend, are all-that too.
You two are lucky to have found each other and I wish you all the happiness. Thank you for sharing your story. I am 65 years old and I want to date a widower of my age more or less. I have never been married. I live in Malaysia. I just want advise or tips. Hello I loved reading all your information on dating a widower.
I have been dating a widower for 14 months now and love him very much. His wife died of cancer 3 yrs ago in June he adored her for 30 yrs they have 2 grown up kids.
He is closer with her family than his own today. His house is a shrine to her. He has recently hit a wall of grief and feelings of guilt that he is betraying her. He has sought out counselling for a 2nd time on loosing a partner and trying to move on. I am 50 years old. Mary, there is no right answer here. Hopefully, you two can have honest discussions and you have told him about your hopes and feelings. You have to trust him but mostly trust yourself to make a decision that is best for YOU.
It may be the timing for you two is off. Or that he just needs to work some things out and you can try to do that together. Take care of yourself.
His wife passed after four years of marriage from illness and I was going through a divorce after 20 years. Since then we have gotten closer our relationship is good always but hardly talked about his late wife. We almost act like we are part time husband and wife. We do not live together but he talks about buying a new home for both of us to blend our families and get married. But when it comes to celebrate the date of her passing for the past two years he pours out his heart about her.
And I just feel confused and a little disrespected. Is that something that o will have to get used to? I understand if he wants to honor her by posting something like Today I want to honor my late wife such a beautiful spirit you are not forgotten. Something to do with their kids. But with the texts along with pictures of them getting married and sporting events he post makes me feel like what am I doing here all this time.
And with the comments pouring in like people feeling bad for him. Am I being selfish wanting a love of my own? Of them together and her alone. I do love the guy and would like nothing more than to make it work. Thank you for your words of encouragement. My wife always said I had a face of stone but a heart of gold.
No warning, no clue. Her needs for the next three years was my only concern. I was fortunate to get almost 3. My family, including hers, and friends are the best. Its been 4 months since her passing and I have started the slow process of going thru everything. I was asked out recently by woman and in a polite way I said maybe some other time. As empty as my life is now, the real reason I said no to this woman was a total desire not to feel that hurt again.
I find your advice to women very sound and should be well heeded. In probably in a humorous way, I am a perfect example of who not to datefor now. I am so so sorry for your loss.
Yah, you are the poster child. I know that there are no rules about how this goes, but I do encourage you to be open to the help of all those loved ones. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I just watched the video re: 4 red flags, dating a widower. He has 11 photos of her or them together next to the large TV. Thank you for the encouragement to gently state how I feel. Glad I could help! Hope you have a meaningful and positive conversation. As a widow of 46 years old, I am frustrated like another widower who wrote in and spoke up, about the misconceptions of us.
We all have our troubles If not now Most certainly later. Mine is now. In this instance as a widow, I want to share particularly about photos, clothing, mementos. It feels like you are throwing them away btw. Everything I take down in my house is a conscious decision because I have to figure out where I am going to put it. Do you throw it away? A photo? A wedding dress? But everybody else does. When you do put stuff away, how does it affect other family members?
That is always a thought in my mind especially for my children. Or for his mother. As for loving again I am full of love. I love life. I love my kids. I love my community. I love my business. I love to love. I will always love my husband and I will not apologize for that.
I am not an angry, bitter woman who is jaded by men.
Dating a widower blog
I was a happy wife. And I want to be again. I want to share my life with someone else and find that great love again or maybe it will be even better! And what a wonderful blessing that would be. It seems as though I will maybe only find understanding with another widower. I love talking about my husband not all the time because he was my best friend. And if I can find someone who would be willing to embrace the love I had for someone who is dead and realize that I can love another at the same time and in the same breath just like when a mother has a second child You just make room in your heart for more.
More love. Try and give us a break. Seek to understand rather than assume. But most of us try. So what If your kid died you would remember every detail too. Grief comes and goes. I laugh and have so much fun and I have great days and then there are other days that I am struck with the loss and I deal with it. It takes my breath away at times but I pop out of it especially, when I am given permission to feel without having to hide it. You may have a bad day at work and need to become a little recluse as you deal with whatever challenges are on your mind.
In summary Let us love our dead person and in doing that you will show us that this sacred part of who we are matters to you and you will find out how much love we will have for you. I want to know why men do this ok. Family dynamics can be very complex and he obviously cares deeply for them.
If you are miserable as you appear to be do something for yourself. I had not dated in 20 years other than my husband whom we were divorced. He was married to his high school sweetheart for 35 years. They had the white pickett fence, 2 children and wonderful careers. I had raised 2 daughters by myself working, at times, 3 jobs. My last husband was 21 years younger than me and it ended. He said that his wife was his best friend but for the last 15 years their relationship was lacking any intimacy.
We dated 3 months before we were intimate. He was like teaching him how. We started dating and he was romantic and just wonderful My heart went out to him for his loss and it still does. Then he disappeared for about 3 months until I contacted him. The back and forth has been going on for about 2 years.
We got back together 2 weeks ago because I contacted him for his birthday. He said he is not ready for a relationship but when he knows it will be me. Than I discovered that he is on a dating site atleast 2 times every day. I ask him and he lies. I can tell when he is on it because I can go into it and see who is online at the moment.
When I confronted him he just got really mad. I saw him on a Tuesday after not seeing him for 3 months. It was great but everyday their was an excuse as to why he can not see me that night. He lives 3 blocks from me. He wants to see me when he wants to see me and not until. He spends a lot of time facetiming with his 2 girls and grand kids in Pittsburg but they do not know anything about me.
I met 2 of his friends last week on the beach which was a shock that he even ask me. I broke up with him because once again he made an excuse why he could not come to dinner after I already bought all the stuff to make it.
Am I a fool?
Iam thinking that he just likes sleeping with me and thats it. I really love him but I am not sure I should continue. He also says he loves me but not ready. I have no answers. I have recently met a wonderful man who lost his wife in November. They were married for 30 years and she was ill for three. Everything has been going so well until I have become insecure and comparing myself to her as he mentions her sometimes when I say something about myself - he will say oh K did that too, or K thought that too etc.
He also has her picture next to his bed. He wants me to stay in their house in the same bed that they shared, the same bed that she died in and the same bed which has her photo next to it.
So I have suddenly become uncomfortable in the relationship even though he tells me he loves me and wants to build a future with me. I am very insecure generally as I am divorced twice and both husbands had affairs. I always feel second best and now I am starting to feel like the consolation prize even though he floods me with affection, kindness and commitment. Your message has helped me try to get things into perspective but if you have any other advice I would be grateful.
I am nervous that I will bolt because I cant bear the feeling of comparing myself to K and feeling that I will never be as good as she was. Thank you. Hi Debbie. What I see is that you have to get clear on your boundaries here.
For me, for instance, sleeping in the same bed would be a dealbreaker. So is having a pic at his bedside. Especially when that is the bed you are supposed to share when intimate! So if a man wanted that, I would tell him how much I care about him and want the relationship to grow AND that in order for me to feel safe and secure I need him to replace that bed and move the pic.
Those would be MY boundaries and I would not budge on them. Do some work on what you need, Debbie. Get help if you need to. And when you figure it out and are able to articulate itset your boundaries clearly and stick to them. But YOU are the only one who can assure that. Thank you so much for your comment!!
I very recently met a man who was in a loving marriage and lost his wife. He often shares the same sentiments of simply not knowing what to do with the physical reminders. My heart always goes out to him and I actually wish he still had her. He has young children and I could never see them not having pieces of her around them. They need her and always will. Your comment just helped me so much, both of us are going through things we never thought would happen and we both have such an appreciation for cts in a relationship that are loving and good even though we are coming from different places.
I hope you find love again, people who know how to love and give it as a blessing are precious on this earth and the next man who loves you is very blessed, indeed. Take care!! And thanks so much again! What a nice note to Jenny, Millie. I met him 4 years ago, 4 months after she died after 9 yrs of fighting cancer.
We live together but he will not talk about marriage. He criticizes me frequently. Sex is infrequent. I seem to be a companion. He says he needs time. I gave up dating younger men when he came along. I loved his stability and his enthusiasm for life. I still do. He sounds like an as whole, girlfriend. Please allow yourself to accept the truth. Hi I just wanted to thank you for the tips on dating a widower. He lost his wife to cancer almost 4 years ago.
His adult children and entire family have been very welcoming but it has taken some time to get there. As you said, go slow. The most challenging truly is to not be offended. I think the hardest part for me and the reason I appreciate your advice is that most of my girlfriends have no idea how it feels. Your tips are so helpful. Thank you! I really needed to hear them today! Anne Marie I cant imagine how difficult this has been for you.
Keep searching out support from people who have been where you are or, like me, have Successfully supported those women. Best to you.
Does The Same Dating Advice Apply To Widowers?
He told me his wife died in and has a young daughter. Thanks all x. Dont ask him about his wife, girlfriend. Just ask him about himself.
Learn more about him. Does he feel ready to date and is he open to relationship if he meets the right woman? Tread slowly. And last thing: get on video with him! Hi Charl Does this man your talking to from a dating site. Is he in the military? The marine core to be more specific? I have a guy who is a widower which he lost his wife 4 months ago, presently we are seeing but i noticed he ready cos we do communicate about it. Nice article Bobbi. My wife of 32 years passed away five months ago from cancer.
You are FAR from damaged goods my friend. When the time feels right for you get help with the dating process. Hi, thank you for your good insight and I thank all the others for info on their experiences. I am 68, a widow of 12 years. My man is 70, widower of 6 years. We dated many many years ago but broke up because we were young and immature.
Both of us married I even had a divorce, too and had families and here we are, 40 years later, back together-nice surprise of life, thanks Facebook. There are adjustments.
We are a committed couple of one year now but there are some things we all must go through. The month of February is one we have to take slowly. Both our spouses died in this month and the anniversary depression does hit.
It also hits on wedding anniversaries, etc. We talk about it and allow the other to feel what is needed. I wanted to say 1 Yes, he will occasionally mention her but if it is just a frame of reference for time, it is ok.
I do the same. He will have to state clearly that this is his choice to make and this is how it will be. Same for the kids. Our kids have to accept that our lives need to go on.
Yes, both deaths were devastating, but we live in the here and now. No one will forget the ones we lost. We now have two guardian angels looking over us. Look forward to the future. Because we have good communication things have progressed well, however, there are bumps in the road. There will be more bumps in the future. Marriage cannot be rushed into quickly, neither should cohabitating be either. I have a daughter with two young children living with me, he has a son in college. If you have any reservations, anything that bothers you at all, talk about it.
I do not profess to have all the answers. We are just a year into our relationship but we talk about it often. I guess I wanted to say that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing your story and some great advice, Marie. I became a widower approximately 7 months ago, after 17 years of marriage, 3 of which were spent as her caregiver.
I dabbled into the dating site thing, thinking I was ready. Best advice I can give - be careful. Women, if you are on a rebound, you can be sure a widower for less than a year is too. I was dumped about 6 hours before a planned first date. She was smart. She sensed something wrong, told me and fled. Another one, the first date was delayed due to an illness she had I believe she was genuine.
However the next day, another lady texted me, and I accepted a coffee date. It was awkward as ever, but she just asked me for a second date. Thankfully, the second date was cancelled. My point is, my mind plays tricks on me. In hindsight, the best, most caring response I received was from a lady saying she was concerned about the 7 month thing, and told me to protect my heart. She also told me to seek her out in 6 months to a year or so if I wished. Stand your ground.
A new widower less than a year is vulnerable physically, emotionally and mentally. Others may not realize that until they are too far down the emotional road. Thank you SO much Dave, for your honest and heartfelt comment and advice. All women need to know this. Too many women get that feeling but still go for it and get emotionally involved with a man who is confused and just not ready. I do disagree with one thing: there is no exact time limit on when someone is ready to move on.
Some are ready soon; others after years they are still struggling with the sadness, loss, and guilt about trying to move on.
I wish you the very very best, Dave. And again, thank you for your wisdom. You will help a lot of women by telling your truth here.
I have known this widower for 56 years! Our family grew up together! I always loved him and currently in love with him more than ever! He says he has feelings for me but it is too soon! What is my next step!!!! Believe him!!! If he says it too soon he means it. So you have to decide if you are willing to wait and hopeor move on.
Neither may be easy but I encourage you to do one or the other. I am dating a guy for 3 months has lost his wife due to cancer almost one year. He has a son aged 3. A year anniversary coming soon and they were together for almost 14 years. They were high-school sweetheart. It confuses me. We have been intimate for few times, and we slept together for 2 times couple of hours as I traveled 4 hours to see him. Everything is going great between us. He cried to sleep almost everyday and speaks about her all the time.
I say nothing and acknowledge him. I never been married and I am stroke survivor for 4 years. He always said that if I found someone, please let him know. What does that mean? It means he needs more time, like he told you. I encourage you to go live your life and let him do what he needs to do. He has told you to do the same, just not in the same words. Hello again, I left out of very important piece of information. I am very sympathetic I lost my mom a few years ago but there is a fine line between being tasteful and obsessed.
He does talk about her but not incisively we talk about both our former relationships but have really started to grow quite close. They were a very good looking couple and he told his wife he thought I was extremely attractive. Four years ago she overdosed at the age of 45 leaving behind a five-year-old son. Her husband and I would kiss or touch each other every time our significant others left the room or attraction to each other was undeniable.
After she passed I would reach out to him to see how he was doing. About three months after she passed we slept together but we were very drunk. We still kept in touch and he kept promising to take me out or come to my apartment etc. A few months ago one of my friends saw him on a dating site. I was definitely disheartened that for three years he was trying to make plans with me and something would always come up on his end. At this point I was on my third engagement but not in love. Additionally I called him and I am not that kind of woman I always wait for the guy to call first.
Of course I put him on block however I have no problems getting man but I really felt something after all these years.