Please refresh the page and retry. After losing someone you love, the idea of dating again can be almost unthinkable. Some people decide to never be in a relationship again, and many see that through. Others jump straight back into it, attempting to quickly remedy their feelings or find a replacement for their lost loved one. Understandably there is a natural desire to overcome loneliness, which, depending on the situation, can be completely unexpected. It is also common to think you are betraying your ex by dating anew. But everyone deserves to be happy, and if that means finding romance again, that should be embraced.
A Widower and a Divorcee can also be comparable if they are both seeking the same thing which is to have someone to care for and love who have the same deep and profound mutual feelings as you do. I was suddenly widowed 9 years ago after 28 years of being married to my best friend.
It took a long time, but I feel ready to meet some new people. I loved being married, would love to be married again someday.
I have met some very bitter divorced gentlemen that are much more hesitant about the idea of marriage in general. I am not looking to replace my husband. I think I would be attracted to a very different type of man at this point in my life. I have wonderful memories of being married and raising our daughters, but I am excited about the possibilities, no bad feelings about being married in my baggage cart.
Very good point about the bitterness and baggage of a divorce victim, Lisa. Well spoken, thank you. I have been divorced twice and I have been widowed.
With a divorce, time goes by and you heal and you get over the person. I have toyed with using a dating site, but last time I dated was 30 years ago. So I have not tried it yet. Just confirms the loneliness of being single. Marcia, I lost my husband almost 18 years ago after being together for nearly 25 years and know how you feel. Take care of yourself and I hope you find friends soon, more people seem to be joining Stitch now. It does take a couple of weeks to really get going and have connections.
I have not yet come to terms of looking my wife of 10 years. I need someone who has gone through the same predicament to share with me. I very much agree with Adria, who astutely remarked that it is complex and each combination of two persons is unique and different. Very well spoken. I also agree with Marcia. I was married and divorced two decades prior to meeting my dear late husband from whom I am sadly widowed.
I am free of emotion regarding the divorce from long ago, as that relationship was rightly declared null and void. But the relationship with a deceased spouse rightly continues beyond death. Your bond with the departed spouse remains. It is well and truly gone in its previous form, but hopefully you or I have integrated the virtues of the departed spouse, and the good qualities of that relationship into our beings - and can bring those to bear in any new relationships without trying to make a new person be anything other than who they are uniquely.
Regards to divorced vs widowed, we must devote sufficient thoughts and emotions and spirituality to reflect on what has transpired. The word insight comes to mind. Has the divorced person shown sufficient insight into what has gone wrong so as to not repeat it? A widowed person like myself also needs to show insight. Love changes us, and death changes us again.
Our outlook and lives would rightly reflect the depth of the tragedy. If not, warning bells should be going off. Well, i agree, we are all different, i dated a widower for about 2 years. He was a lovely man and i truely believed we could have settled down and had a good life togeather.
We share a great deal of interests. He, his family and friends made it very clear that i was only there because his late wife tragically was not. His house remained filled with her pictures, anniversaries and birthdays were always brought up with great sadness. Whilst i know it must be a terrible loss, if someone wants to move on to a new relationship, then they really do need to be sensitive to their new partner too.
7 Dating Tips For Widows (From A Widow)
I would be very cautious in future about dating a widower. Marcia et all. I agree with all that you have said. I got divorced after bankrolling my husband thru his doctoral program and working full time. Then my place of employment told me that I had to work on Bachelors and Masters degrees. Not having received any monetary compensation from him I continued to work full time and attended classes evenings and weekends.
No time for any socializing. After 8 years I got my Masters then the powers that be said you need to work on your doctorate. Finally after a couple of years of dating I met my husband who really was the love of my life. He was a widower and I a divorcee, We had about 21 years of a fabulous wonderful life but then he became very ill and passed away 4 years ago.
I find that having been divorced and also widowed the widowed men are much more compassionate and sensitive to my feelings as they have also experienced similar situations. Two divorced men I dated did not seem to understand the deep bond a truly happy and compatible couple has.
I find that it is very hard to be alone especially at this age. I find that one has to be very straightforward and up front. I hope that those of you who needed more support found it at the time when you most needed it.
Has anyone found it easy to meet again and find a great partner, I would love to hear your story? Hi Natalie, you can check out our blog about Carol and Doug and read their story.
I had been proposed twice and offered of shacking up twice. I have and still make it clear to acquaintances and friends that feeling need to be mutual and past history remains past history. If any relationship is form, we move on with a new chapter. To have fun withyes aplenty! You never forget the one you lost. Lamenting the loss for a periodyes by all means.
Be appreciative that we had our departed love one for as long as we did. If we were in an unpleasant relationship, divorce had been a blessing. I have been a widow for over 20 yearsI had been loved and treasured so much, as much as I had been a wonderful, supportive and emphatic wife and person.
Birth, love, lost, death. So many women have written here. I feel outgunned. I am a widower. It is a hard thing to get over, especially when the relationship was so strong and is suddenly gone. But I also remember that it was many years in the making.
There was a bond, but it took work to get through the rough times and that common struggle brought us closer together. It is hard to suddenly not have that anymore.
I had many long relationships that ended before marriage was an issue. Some just faded away and some were painful break-ups. I understand the reticence in connecting with someone again. None of us wants to feel that pain again. I also understand the drive to connect with someone else again on an emotionally intimate level. To care for someone and to have someone who cares for you. Not having that person to talk to anymore, or to share the good times with, or to vent up a frustrating day with leaves a big hole.
The desire to fill it is strong. But it would not be fair. I have a lot of friends. I have many acquaintances. I miss having someone to just be with. Someone to hug or hold hands with. Someone to make jokes with and to make laugh and to surprise with small things.
This is probably a male thing, because it seems to me that many women have a similar relationship with friends. What I do know from long experience is that things just happen. Often when you go looking for a thing, you never find it. Then one day you stop looking and there it is. Any relationship brings compromise.
As I work to redefine what I am, what I do, what I am living for, I am also trying to be open to anything that comes along. But with age, I am wary of many things and when the alarm bells go off, I want to react immediately. So patience is becoming my reaction these days. I know that I am the one who makes these decisions. Not another person, not a committee. I am the one who will have to live with those decisions - as I always have. I am the one who can change how I respond and what I decide.
So back to the original issue. A divorced person will likely have the baggage of a failed relationship and be on the lookout for those things - those triggers - that look too much like the past. It takes time to move beyond these things. You will know when that time comes if you only listen.
The challenge is the other person - as it always has been. Part of me enjoys being single again. That part is not so sure it wants to share my life with anyone else anymore. Another part of me longs for someone to once again share the delights, frustrations and joys of life with. I guess if the right time happens with the right person, I will be eager to compromise once again.
I have cried and cried. I was hoping to get some advice on my current situation and would appreciate any input you can offer. We are in our 30s and met around 4 months ago.
He was exceptionally keen from the beginning and said whilst he had been through some tough times, he was feeling really good and wanted to move on with his life. I was the first person he had dated since his partner passed away.
We text and spoke for several weeks, went on some amazing dates and got on so well. I really wish I had asked him sooner. After the relationship became more physical, I felt him step back a bit. He has always been a bit closed in the sense that things seem to have to get to an extreme point before he will talk about his feelings.
We continued to have a nice time etc but there were times where he went quiet for a day or so then came back with excuses about work etc though Im pretty sure he was struggling with his feelings. In early December he said that he was struggling with the thought of the holiday period as it brought back too many memories and he was having feelings of guilt at being in a relationship.
I decided to give him some space him after initially sending a few messages saying I was thinking of him and hoped he was ok. My instinct is to leave him alone and let him come back when he is ready. I would feel horrible if this was left with no closure and consequently I feel quite a lot of resentment currently. I really wish I had asked him more about his situation early on but having never been in this situation before I wanted to let it happen when he was ready.
So similar although our ages are much further apart. I just posted on my situation. It is so hard after all of these years of not being with anyone. I hope yours comes around and gets back to you soon. Best wishes. I am living with a widower who is 9 years my senior. His wife passed away three and a half years ago after a lengthy cancer battle. When I met him he had a wedding ring on and the house was left with all of her things neatly in place.
In fact, in their vacation home all of her things that were left there as well. After we dated for a bit, maybe a month, he took off the wedding band and began to remove some of the photos.
I expressed that so many made me feel uncomfortable. I stated that one photo in the home out for everyone to see would be fine with me. However, more than that and I would be uncomfortable. He removed some, but has left some in his office and that bothers me. He has been charming, graceful and I m in love with him. When my love met his wife and when they were married, her daughter was already married.
My love did not raise this woman. I do understand that through his grief she and her children were there to help him at times. They grieved together. My issue is that they are always texting and talking daily, sometimes hourly. Its constant. He shares funny things with her that he has shared with me. When she sees him she gets her body right next to him to hug him.
In fact, I feel that she has sexually manipulated him. I have told him that I am VERY uncomfortable with their relationship and this this woman needs to back off and that he needs to respect me. He says that he feels like she is his daughter. Still I could see that point if he raised her.
He did not. He has a home in Florida that his deceased wife bought before she died and the daughter used to bring it up regularly that the house belonged to her mother and that her mother wished she and her brother get the house.
I feel like she just want stuff even though they both received a pretty good chunk of money as an inheritance when their mother died. When I cleaned out both homes in the beginning my love ad I did this together the first timeI was very respectful and handled everything with care and love.
I gave all the items to the daughter. I am having a very difficult time accepting them as his grandfather and her as his daughter. But in order to make things better I told him that I would try to be a part of this. However, things are not good. I explained to him the way to make me feel more a part of this would be to include me in conversations. They included me in a text between the three of us but they are still talking with each other on the side and I am very uncomfortable with it.
The group text is fake and full of just nothing real. They just tolerate me. The oldest daughter of this woman is very fake with me.
In front of my love she jumps all over him and kisses him times and then looks back at me to see if I am looking. I just smile. But it sickens me. Someone, anyone have any advice? She has been a widow for a very short period of time and he passed during them being seperated. I was actually seeing her during the separation and subsequent passing.
I know i probably need to give her distance but when she wants to see me i get excited for a chance to see her. She really is wonderful and i feel i want to build more with her. I started seen a widower almost 6 months ago, at the time he was widowed for 10 months. On the anniversary of her death he asked for some space which I gave him and let him contact me when he was ready.
I agreed to it because honestly I was having the most fun I have had in years with him. He spoke once in a while of his wife, there were a few pictures in their house, which does not bother me at all. He would say and do things that lead me to believe as well as some close friends who knew if the situation, that he does like me but is afraid of what others would say or that he felt guilty. We celebrated my birthday which was the beginning of November together it was really nice.
I know Thanksgiving was their favorite holiday. Before this we would text almost everyday, now he only text me when I text him which was only 2 times. I like him a lot even though I am not supposed to, and I keep getting theses signs that make me think if him. Should I tell him how I feel?
Both his words and his actions are telling you this. Guys who are ready for you and who want you and know this will pursue you to the ends of the earth. They are not conflicted. They are not blowing hot and cold. They are sure, and they make sure that you are sure. This guy? He may be fantastic.
10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers. I'm including this section of the book specifically for any widowers who might be reading it. Dating again after the death of a spouse can be an awkward experience. It can bring out feelings of guilt or betrayal in the widow or widower. Sep 17, Widows And Widowers: Should We Just Date Each Other? 07/18/ am ET ated Sep 17, "I think I could only date a widower - only someone who has gone through this could understand," I told a buddy when I thought I might be ready to . by Widows or Widowers 28th November For a widow or widower, the thought of dating again after losing your partner will need plenty of consideration. Having intimately shared your life with someone, and with possible plans made for the future, the prospect of finding someone else to share your life with, can feel strange and unsettling.
He may be a prince. But his timing is not on your side.
I am dating a widow who is 16 months into the process after losing her husband. We met nine months after her losing her husband. We enjoyed our time together and during that time however during the first few months we broke things off a couple times. Was it too early? Was she just trying to fill a void? Could she actually feel this way about another person after loving someone so deeply? She struggled a great deal trying to sort through the feelings.
I became very attached to her and she struggled with not only my feelings but also her own regarding me.
It really was difficult for her as she thought primarily about how this would affect her kids who were adults. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt the children as they have already gone through so much.
She also had fears about putting herself out there again with the idea that she could be hurt again by someone having health concerns and dying also. We had gotten to a point where it was either we were going to acknowledge the feelings or move on without each other. After a break for weeks she came back to me and said she wanted to work on things.
The key thing though for me was that somehow blending needed to take place in an appropriate time frame.
She was always feeling like she was living two separate lives. One that she was enjoying and trying to move forward in her life and a second one of a grieving wife and mother. She cared a great deal about how people felt regarding all of this. Family, kids, and even friends. When is the timing right to start dating?
Why worry about what others are saying? She was a caregiver for many years for a husband that was older than she was. In a way grieving had started prior to his death to a degree.
She had a great deal of loss in her life including a parent in the middle of all of this taking place. So she has had mixed support regarding the idea of dating. A few comments they have been questionable from friends, and even family. So here we are just passing a major holiday with Thanksgiving and it felt like emotions were unbelievably high.
Because of the challenge with blending we were not able to spend it together out of respect for one of the kids. Again these kids are all adults but one is struggling with accepting the fact that she is dating again.
So we spent it apart and got back together last night and there was an extreme amount of emotion going on. I have dated women that have gone through divorces and dealing with those types of issues however dealing with loss is completely different. It takes a very unique individual to navigate through the various challenges that can be presented. One of them is if your partner is not great at communicating what is going on in their mind during their grieving. I tend to be the type of person that will talk through any issue which may be unusual for men.
I can relate to so many of the questions you ask yourself. His wife passed one year ago today. We met online when unbenownst to me a month after her passing. His father had lived in their home and passed 5 months before his wife, and he was a caretaker to the both along with family and hospice. When I found out how soon after it was I said we should just be friends. I dated and we did become closer. He was the confidant and companion I needed at that time, and I was the same for him.
Looking on his FB I would become insecure. What can I ask and not ask about pictures? How could he ever love me as much as he loved her.? Will every holiday be like this now?
Every birthday, anniversary, deathiversary? Her birthday is in the same month as mine. When everyone said they will be together in heaven someday, I think what will happen to me if we have a future?
Today people are reaching out and sending him notes saying they are thinking of him and missing her, knew Christmas was her favorite time of yearChristmas is my favorite time of year also, as Im sure it is for many. She and I had similar music tastes as well. So I miss out with having him because of a ghost? And then I hate myself for feeling it and thinking it.
I think she even cheated. Her own family and friends have said this. Yet the pictures and his grief tell a different story. He has a tattoo on his chest of her face from when he was deployed way back in I feel selfish. He is not a man who freely discusses his feelings. So what in the heck is my problem! Thank you. I have to say alot of your story is also mine. I date a widower who lost his wife also three years ago.
We have done everything together, we live together, bought a house together and I always have embraced his wife as part of us because it is part of him. He is recovering well and will make a full recovery. My heart broke. I have had very little insecurity, jealous or whatever that is called.
I have always believed we were brought together to live our lives together and we are a great couple. I know that. I am reeling right now and am preparing for him to be released tomorrow from the hospital.
I know I need perspective and I am trying to find it. I am dating and love dance clubs. The best thing for me was to join an active widows club, some are national, in your community also, and I had done thing with them and meet people there.
I keep up my fitness. Some people meet at widows clubs. I do light body building and have spa days often, even at the local beauty school and am dating a man 12 yrs. We have wonderful communication skillsoutdoor skills, dance events, and we love doing things in groups. We will start disaster relief teams and go around the country for service.
I like all military men and have found another. I do not know if I will marry again butto share, widows clubs, not grief medical center groups have helped be. Both are important, for me, I wanted to be active. You can choose to be as young or old as you want to be. God so kind this Man brought my Lover back In less than 3 days, i saw wonders, my Lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle am so happy. My Beautiful and giving wife and friend, Nancy passed away last Dec 3r right after Thanksgiving and before Christmas, as these holidays hold no bearing to me any longer, I understand that as humans, we are here for a short time and then we leave, it is the nature of things, however I believe that the end of human existence is only one part of the journey that we are all on, and that maybe physically I am unable to see her, I can still hear her calling my name, JIm-Jim-Jim LOL, I love her more then anything on this planet and beyond, more then my own existence, therefore I have made a conscious decision to stay married to My Lovely Bride, as nothing has changed, only the physicality is different, I will be with her one day, I know that!
I can hardly wait, but until then we will remain a married couple, and we will live on here and there, wherever it may be? A lot to digest here. My best to all, believe me. That morning.
It is up to my God if it is to happen again someday. I have just been reading all of the posts and cannot find anything that quite fits my situation. I am a 59 year old widow of 7 years, I was a caregiver for my husband for 5 years and then 18 months later became the caregiver for my mother until the her death along with my stepfather a month apart early During this process my relationship with my youngest brother was severed due to family matters.
My husband and I were together for 12 years but had been friends since we were 16, coming in and out of each others lives until we married. I had a 7 year old son who grew to love and adore my husband, which helped us become a bonded family. My husband had other children but they were not a huge part of our lives but we all got along. Many complications through our relationship like many marriages but we worked through them.
I started dating a friend a year after I lost my husband. Please understand I loved my husband but I had been grieving the loss of him over the 5 years I took care of him. I still miss him as I do my parents and occasionally I have breakdowns of tears, sadness just wish I could talk to him. This man that I have been dating for 6 years struggles with my sadness, my memories, etc about my husband so I have tried to keep my feeling about that hidden until this last month.
I was dreaming about my husband, having conversations with him and just missing our closeness friendship Then I realized that I was keeping all of this to myself and I felt like I was keeping something from my boyfriend. I do love him and I have never made a comparison of them or my love for either. It has no bearing on how I feel about him. Our relationship is on extremely rocky ground right now. I do know that after telling him, even with all of the consequences, I felt relieved.
Feel free to send me a message and we exchange pictures and maybe someday coffee. Hello Marcus I trust you will find happiness in love again. I understand. Please respond if you wish. Single in NC. I dated a widower for two and a half months this past summer.
It was a very sudden and unexpected relationship. I knew who he was and actually taught one of his sons about 15 years ago he is 24 now. We had a wonderful couple of months together and got to know each other very well. Our communication was excellent. It was a very passionate, healhty, and respectful relationship.
He spoke often about his late wife whom I knew earlier as the teacher of her child and I was very open about my children. We both agreed that our children come first and that if any issues should arrise with our children i.
I shared with him early on my anxiety about me having young children 8 and 11 and his being older 22 and He told me not to lose sleep over it and encouraged me to relax about the issue. After letting my guard down and allowing the relationship to proceed, he ended up breaking things off because his boys started to get him thinking about the fact that I have young boys.
He is a little older than me and moving into retirement mode a little sooner than I would be as well. He said maybe he would feel differently in a month but he did not want to lead me on and hurt me.
I know he is very genuine and I respect his decision. However, we really connected and cared for each other. We ended up seeing and being with each other a few times in the six weeks following the break-up and found it difficult to be apart. He kept saying he is trying to figure things out.
She had a terrible battle with cancer. I am lost.
A Widow's Guilt: Finding love after loss
I am trying to accept this. I think maybe the whole relationship was too soon for him. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. How do I read him? Was it too soon? There are so many things I can relate to with your experience.
I love d this woman widow more than anyone I have ever been in relationship with. We lasted about a year and it was amazing, but I am not anything like her departed husband from 2 years ago if that really matters as I was not trying to be a replacement for him. She also told me if it were just her and I things would be different.
Needless to say there is much heartbreak from my side and possibly hers as well. All you can probably really do is to let him be, wish him well and know if it is not him there will be someone come into your life and you will see why things worked out the way they have. As hard as it is though, maybe it is the best for all of you. You will find your partner on the path doing the things you love.
Seeking advice. He has no children as his late wife was 16 years older than him. I thought he had gone through the grieving process as her death was not sudden.
It was a long battle with cancer. He always wanted children, but she was unable to have any and that pains him a great deal and the fact that I have three kids myself scares him because he gets attached to kids very easily and it would kill him if he met mine and we broke up.
Would it be wise to ask him to tell me about her? About them? I have met a widower and he and I, share that we have both gone through a devastating loss. It is a very new relationship, and one of the things that we have in common is that we know how grief affected the person left behind. It is a relief to be able just to be yourself and to have open and honest frank conversations about the depths of grief and how we do our best to live a life as best as we can without our partner or child.
I am hopeful, its been nearly five years for the both of us and I think that we will are about to embark on something exceptional. Neither one of us will ever replace the family member we lost, but we can help each other find happiness in caring and committed way. I never thought I would be dating a widower, and I am sure he was not planning on meeting someone who had lost a child within the same period of loss.
Only time will tell if we can find a happy ever after, following such loss and tragedy in our lives. I will keep you all posted as to how we get on. One thing I will say to each individual who has experienced loss, and to those dating someone has suffered a loss. Life is too short, and we have to try our best to find happiness and contentment in our lives.
Please help, my best friend died of cancer two years back. Five months down the road, her husband called me and said he wanted to meet and talk to me. We met and after long conversation pertaining our experiences on our beloved ones, he changed the story and told me he wanted to fall in love with me infact to marry me.
I was so shocked. My questions to him were. Is that why you called me? Is it not too early for you to begin thinking of remarrying? He said he would give it time. Two years down the road, I thought the man had already forgotten and moved on with his life but the man is back to me and very serious in a relationship.
He tells me that there is no other person that he knows very well other than me. I have been a very good friend to his wife and even their children give me respect. I have been with them through thin and thick. However, I came to know him through his wife because she was my best friend then she introduced me to the family.
This man has never ask for love from me when the wife was still alive. I am a single mother of a daughter aged 25 years. I feel I am used to my own life and very comfortable with it but the man does not want to give me space. I also feel I will be betraying my friend though she is gone. What do I do?. I am a widow dating a widower.
We both have children, and I am a year ahead in my loss then him. Everything always seems to be in such a good place, but I find that he and his children grieve differently then my children and I. This is not really an issue, everyone grieves differently. Just wanted to hear others thoughts on this.
I am a widower, my wife died 5 months ago. I spent 1 month in seclusion and mourned her passing. We were married for 36 years and had two children, and two grandchildren.
Life was great until she got sick and died. I loved her very much and treated her like a queen. She kept busy after her husband died and it sounds like she did not grieve. She had a series of relationships that did not last.
Now I am the only boyfriend that has lasted for over a month. She has taken me to meet her daughter and 3 grandchildren locally. Then she is taking me out of town to meet her son, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren.
I love this woman, but I am not sure she loves me as much as I love her. We are leaving in a few days time to meet her son and his family. The meeting with her daughter and her family went very well. Mike its too early for you to be dating.
But 5 months after your wife died is too soon, even if you spent 1 whole month in secluded mourning. One of the big things widow er s are warned against is starting new romantic relationships too soon.
Its very tempting because we have a big empty spot in our life where our spouse used to be. We sooo much want that void filled again! I dated a widower for over 8 years living together for 7. From day one his adult children made it difficult. I have not had 1 birthday or xmas card nor been permitted to meet his 3 grandchildren.
I was treated like filth while my family welcomed him with open arms. To cut a long story short his life was made so difficult seeing grandchildren etc that he left me. I am in utter devestation and feel so used.
Should widows dating widowers
Perhaps I was a band aid for 8 years. Sad thing is we shared everything and loved each other s much but evidently I was nothing compared to the ghost!!
Unless you have in fact been in a relationship with a widow or widower you cannot give professional advice. Just like someone not married giving marital advice or someone who doesnt have children giving parenting advice. I have been seeing a widower for about 5 years. His wife has been gone for over 8. He wants me to move in with him. His son recently was in the hospital. Same hospital his wife died in, and says he gets depressed every time he goes up there.
To me, he makes it about him and not anyone else.
Aug 26, 10 top tips | Dating advice for widows and widowers What is the hardest thing about dating again? "For me, it was understanding that those I was dating weren't going to Author: Tome Morrissy-Swan.
There are other things that he works the same way. What should I do? You arent being understanding enough. Of course the hospital his wife died in will make him depressed everytime he is there. It reminds him of death! The fact that his son was there is making him anxious because it brings up memories of death and how his son might die too. He isnt making it about himself, he is merely expressing how he feels to someone who thought understands him. I feel you are the one not ready to be in a relationship with a widower.
My husband of 20 years was murdered in I have attending hos murder trial, I have been fighting for justice for him, mobilizing his comrades to help me fight. We even made partu regallia bearing his photo since he was a politician.
We all planned to wear these on the trial dates. My new boyfriend would stop talking to me. I decided to pull the plug. He puts things on social media for my friends and family plus me to see saying never forgotten. Am I being unreasonable?
I really wish I had someone I could talk to and who could shed some light on this topic. Makes me wonder if he needs help to process his grief. Have not dated and after reading these comments I doubt if I ever will. I had a great marriage and feel that I could bring so many good things to a relationship but these comments make it seem like a daunting task. Not all people are the same.
If you think you might want to date again, there is someone out there willing to accept the situation as it is. For those of us who have never dated a widow er this is uncharted territory and those who truly care about the other will be patient and try to understand.
In my situation, my father is also a widower and was for many years before I connected with my guy, so I have a little insight, both from watching my dad and having lost someone I care about deeply my mom. My advice, just be as open and honest as you can manage. I have been dating a widower for just over a year, and recently my kids and I moved into his home. His late wife passed away 3 months before we turned our work friendship into something more, she had been sick for over a year and he said his grieving had started when she was diagnosed with cancer years ago.
For months I have been dealing with his Mom and some neighbors spreading rumors about me to other family and friends, assuming I am in the relationship for money. He always has my back. Any way, I make my own money and have supported my kids and myself for over 8 years. He always wanted to travel, camp, and be active and the late wife and him always settled for not doing much. Their relationship was ending before she was diagnosed but being married for over 20 years, they were still best friends and he loved her so he took care of her while she was sick.
No-one knows she was cheating on him and was leaving him for another man, and they should never know, I just wish they could leave me alone because it hurts. I would never treat him like that, nor take anything from him. They dont know me, and refuse to get to know me while constantly putting her in a spotlight of being the most amazing person. This has been hard. He asks his Mom to stop, but we get texts and calls from his friends saying she was talking about me and was worried I was taking his money she lives across the country thank goodness.
Its just been such an uphill battle. On top of all that I am noticing things at the house that still have his late wife name and pics around. Every time I walk through the front door I see a welcome sign that has their last name and first name above the entry outside. Plus her large memorial picture still hangs in the garage. I am having a difficult time feeling like this place is ours because of that. All of her decorations are still up, the kitchen is still filled with the things she picked out.
Its been hard not feeling like I live in the shadow of a dead woman. I feel like a jerk if I were to take them down, or ask him to. Its all so new to me, and has been such an uphill battle, but I truly love him and want us to have an amazing life together. His wife of 40 years past away only weeks before we met.
But we are making this work because when we are together it feels right. Yes, her photos are up. Yes, he talks about her a lot. Yes, he occasionally shows signs of depression and is overcome with tears of grief. But he will in time learn to live with her passing and make room I. His heart for me. He is a sensitive soul. Going it alone is not in his nature. He needs someone and if not me it would be someone else, maybe someone not so understanding or who is does not feel threatened by his past.
He is healing and learning to grieve in a healthy way no drink, no drugs, no hiding his head in the sand. I was widowed almost a year ago- at 30 years old- when my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. My husband was my first love. We were married for 10 years and have two kids. Recently a sweet guy started dating me. I told him I was not ready to commit but he was persistent that he was willing to wait. I cried so much because he had been keeping me company and calling me when I felt alone and I missed the feeling of having someone there for me, listening to me, and assuring me he loved me.
A day later I unblocked him because I felt like he deserved more explanation and a chance to express how he feels. Then he convinced me to give love a chance and to stop thinking so much. He told me to stop thinking love is so complicated. I tried to give love a chance. One day later I cut off all contact again. This time I am not going back because in this experience I realized that I am definitely not ready to love.
I want the companionship but not the feeling that I have to try to convert my mind over to loving someone so different than my husband. Using my heart and trying to love someone right now is like driving a car with no air in the tires. I lost myself when I lost my husband and I am still trying to learn to love me. Hi I also lost my husband when I had just turned 32 after 10 years of marriage and two children. My husband honestly could not of hand picked someone better for me.
The feelings of guilt and worry and thought of going through that again over shadows the joy quite often. I wish you all the beat on your journey, it truly takes a toll on the heart, soul and mind. Thank you for writing this article and providing an opportunity for discussion in the comments section. I firmly believe every relationship requires investment from both parties.
One thing I learned from my hardest thing ever, is that there is no right way to do anything. There is only the way that feels best and sometimes that is super difficult to determine. In terms of a relationship after being widowed, our plan is to continue to work with our therapists individually, eventually work with them together and along the way, read articles like this and discuss them together.
After reading the questions and comments all interring some offensive. Is it any wonder why widows try to date widowers? Think if it like this? Can you erase halfyour life or more? Please be sensible. My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have a daughter together and he is a stepdad to my 2 children from a previous marriage.
My kids accepted him. His past relationship was with his best friend and he shared in raising her 2kids. They had not been in relationship in 10years other than friends. They lived together. She past away during a time where he was unable to be there. The kis moved far away. He kept in close contact with them. They were family he raised then from the age of 18mo and 3years old.
I have more empathy than anyone should have so know i would never replace their mom. They always ask how life is treating us and he never mentions me or our life together.
I think life would be so much better if open communication and acceptance was there i have so much love and respect for his past life so much that it kills me dailey. I broke a promise to my grandfather that i made him the night before he died.
It was if i ever had a girl to give her my grandmas name. Their mom had the same name so i had to out of respect for them break a promise to the man i loved more than life my poppop.
I am dating a widow. We are both 52 now. We met 5 years ago, 2 years after her husband died. They had a daughter, 16, and a son, 14 at the time of his death. I have 2 sons ages 30 and I am the only person she has dated since her husband died. We have a long distance 50 miles relationship.
It began with emails for the first 3 months. Then we got together for the first time we knew each other in high school and hit it off. At the time we started our relationship, she was still struggling to find happy moments in her days but she is very strong and took care of her kids and the new jobs she had to take care of around the house for the first time.
She said that during those first two years she just felt normal at work where she had her job to do. She started having happy moments. We hit it off and things went very well.
I heard from many of the family members that they were happy to see her smiling and happy again. They are all very accepting of me as well. Things were going very well. We saw each other often. We had not made detailed plans for our future, but we both expected that our future was together. These things changed a few months ago. The calls she would make the calls, I had the morning text and communication were starting to lessenby quite a bit.
When we got together, I said I needed to talk to her and she said that we really needed to. She explained that she started having those same feelings she was having before we starting getting to know each other.
She is filled with grief for her husband. The kids are now in college or graduated from college. She is really struggling with grief right now and she is pulling away from me. A few weeks ago, we talked and agreed the expected calls, communications, etc. She needed space from me.
We still talk occasionally and see each other a little bit, but I am really struggling and want to do the right thing.
Apr 11, Today we're going to start with a post for a special subset of non-grievers and that is the men and women out there who are dating widows and widowers. If you don't understand why this article is necessary, I'll tell you, the majority of emails we receive on this topic are not from widow/widowers themselves, but from the people who are. Many widowers have difficulty sleeping and problems concentrating, and often show little or no interest in activities they enjoyed when their wife was alive. As a result, widowers are one-third more likely to die after being recently widowed. Widows, on the other hand, have no increased chance of dying after their husbands pass away. The debate for widows or widowers is this 'Should I date a divorced person or date a person who also lost their loved one.' I am a 54 year old widow and it was quite a blow when a wise friend of min said "of course, seek a widower.".
She used to know that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and now she just thinks the future is an unknown. I am struggling with how to move forward. I wonder if it is best for me to give her space no communication as that will allow the grieving process to move forward, or if I should be there at the random times she reaches out.
I love these moments, but I feel like they are random moments of happiness surrounded by emptiness and stress. Perhaps I am looking for words of wisdom or maybe I just needed to pour out my thoughts. When I wrote about the things that her husband is missing and she is missing the chance to share, it makes her feelings seem so much easier to understand. Hi, Frank. I never hear from her anymore and sometimes I wonder if I was just being used.
It hurts like hell not having her in my life like I once did. I think these are the chances one takes when dating a widow. Their lives are so complicated. Even if they are ready to move on, their lives may not be. For me, I try to focus on making myself better, going out with others even if I still miss herand dropping her a line every now and then to make her laugh and know she is cared about. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Frank. I am a widow myself and am struggling to move on. One minute I want to be with my new boyfriend but next minute I want to be alone. I would say give her time be patient with her, grieving is the most complex phenomenon no one can ever begin to define. It comes in different shapes and colors everyday. I am in that situation as a 3 year old widow. Be patient with her if you really love her. I have been dating a widower for two and a half years. He has been widowed for 7. He has met everybody in my family, has been invited to every family function, etc.
I have never met anyone in his family. He has one grown daughter33, who only wants her dad to be with his deceased wife, or so he tells me. I am baffled and extremely hurt by all of this. Any thoughts.? Oh and nothing has been touched since his wife died 7 years ago. All her belongings are still on her dresser, clothes still hanging in the closet, clothes in her drawers, shoes, pocketbooks, you name it.
Hi Peggy Did you get any answers? My boyfriend is a widower of 8 years. He had a girlfriend of 4 years, then one for 1 year and me for one year now. And I think dating in the gaps.
He has 2 adult married sons, one is a consultant. The one son and wife live 2 roads away, the other in 30 miles away but comes up to work near my bf town, plus wife works close by. The house has not been changed since her death. Nothing at all. I had to ask him to remove her personal effects including hair decorations and handbags and pictures of them together off the dressing table as I felt I was waiting for her to walk in the bedroom when we were in bed.
I got the answers you got. They tolerate me and when he had other girlfriends but ate not overly welcoming. They have their own homes but want mums night with him every single week. I find it extremely hard. I do t care about the villages if photos of her throughout the entire house, or the stuff they accrued in their life but the Wednesday exclusion is very hard for me. This Wednesday vigil, plus the museum plus screensaver on his monitor is of her just feels too much. He deleted WhatsApp messages he sent her.
I feel bad for him as I finished with him now. I feel torn.
I am a divorcee of a marriage of 29 years. I met a beautiful woman over a year ago and we have been committed to each other, however, our relationship has been rocky.
First, my SO is a widow. She was married to him a short time 2 years before he met an untimely death in a vehicle accident over 5 years ago. She insists she was ready to move on when we started dating.
I continued seeing her because I figured I would gain a friend, and we would be friends to help each other in our journey. So, in time the rings came off, and due to a home renovation project the pictures are down for now. Whether they get resurrected at a later date I am not sure at this time.
I love this woman more than anything, and she tells me the same. But, we have a rocky relationship now. I have tried to embrace her past, understanding and being empathetic to her plight, and, comforting her when she is down. But, it is causing me distress as it seems there is still many parts of her CURRENT life that I am being omitted from, and, not being allowed to enter.
At times we are happy and friends and family thing we are a couple. However if I am not around, you might think she is married and has a relationship with her deceased husband. I am trying, trying to work with this scenario but I am having sleepless nights now. If she is not ready why does she say she is? And, am I being selfish?