Pragmatic advice on things likely to help your relationships work. Guidelines to consider when managing polyamorous relationships. Polyamory adds a significant layer of complexity atop the already complex job of managing a romantic relationship. Sometimes, people-particularly people who are already part of an established couple-decide what kind of relationship they want, what form that relationship will take, and then try to fit a person into that space. People are complex, and every person will have his or her own ideas and desires and needs in a relationship. Instead, treat your relationships in a way that respects what they are. Give each person a voice; you are having a relationship, not looking for spare parts!
This feeling of victimization saves them from having to take responsibility for their actions; but the downside is that it dramatically curtails their ability to take control of their own lives. It can also mean that they use what power they do have carelessly.
Taking responsibility for the consequences-even the unintended consequences-of your actions is sometimes unpleasant.
Considering the effects of your decisions on the people around you is sometimes a lot of work.
The upside to doing this work, though, is it empowers you, and lets you shape your life the way you want while still being compassionate and responsible to the people around you. If you believe that you are better, more enlightened, or more wise because of your preferred relationship model, you may end up behaving carelessly.
None of this is necessarily true.
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The second path leads to insecurity, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Neither will tearing yourself down. It can sometimes be tempting to speak for the other people in your relationship, or to make assumptions on their behalf.
Sometimes, this happens out of simple miscalculation. No matter the reason, any time you find yourself speaking for, or making assumptions on behalf of, somebody elselook out. People who are single are sometimes seen as being less valid as human beings than people who are married, and so on.
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If you look to your relationship to tell you who you are, or to define your worth, then your sense of self will always be tied up in the form of your relationship. You have power over your life.
Your worth depends on you, not on your partner and not on your relationship. These ideas empower you to seek happiness on your terms, but more important than that, they give you resiliency that can help you over the inevitable rough patches that any relationship is likely to face.
Value and worth that come from within you rather than from things outside yourself, such as your partner or your relationship, can never be taken away from you.
If your sense of value comes from yourself, it frees you from dependence on the people around you. A relationship should serve the needs of all the people in it-including you. That road leads to codependency.
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If your lover cares about you, then sacrificing your happiness will have an effect on your lover. Do know your limits, your needs, and the things that bring you happiness. Know thyself. This is perhaps the most important single thing you can do in any relationship.
Knowing what you want and need in order to be happy is an excellent first step in being happy. Forget the romantic myth that your only concern should be for the happiness of your partner; every person in a relationship deserves to be happy, including you. You can more easily be happy if you understand what you need and where your limits are, and you can more easily build a healthy relationship if you are happy.
But, for couples who have learned to communicate their emotional and sexual needs, actually listen to each other and set clear boundaries, non-monogamy can be a shared experience that brings them together. After having their son a year into their relationship, Thomas, now 33, and Cathy decided to go to a sex party together. I wanted it for my own personal, sexual reasons, and my fantasy was to be with more than one guy.
And Thomas wanted to experiment in his own space, and to flirt with and get close to other people. At their first party, Cathy, who works in events for couples dating app Feeld, was nervous.
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But, she soon found women felt very attracted to them as a couple. And, seeing women have a connection with her husband was surprisingly something she was really into.
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It was such a long-lasting experience. We came out of that first party and were skipping down the road. Since that first experience deepened the connection between them, Cathy and Thomas, a carpenter, decided to open their relationship.
While they've both had individual sexual experiences with other people, they agreed never to lie to each other about them.
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Thomas had a boyfriend on and off who I loved to pieces. And I met people I have connections with too. But some were bad experience because they either fell for Thomas or me, and wanted a monogamous relationship with one of us.
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